Pain is never gone, just lessened
by SashaAlexandrOk
Summary: Pretty dark. Bella/Carlisle eventually. Definite non-canon pairings and OC involved later on. Character death in the beginning. I guess it's different from what you might usually read. It'll be good I promise, R&R and PM if you want to input ideas. Thank you -Sasha
1. Scars

Um... So yeah, this story is kinda dark. But, I'll make it better if you guys/gals want me too. I know it's going to be an eventual Bella/Carlisle pairing. I just don't know when. So please no hating, R&R and if you people have ideas for my story PM me and I can try to find a way to input them... Yeah, so... uh... that's it I guess. Okay...

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Twilight or its characters. Stephanie Meyer does.

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I watched the flame flicker in the darkness. Waving carelessly around, jumping slightly in a breeze. I was alone, but I didn't want to be. It hurts to be away from them, the monsters in my life outside my body. I remember that day when Victoria came to kill me, Edward protected me.

_He killed her and I tried to look disgusted as she wrenched apart and burned. But, instead, I was fascinated. Seeing the flames lick up her body replacing her fiery hair with real flames. After the Volturi left us in the field, Alice saw what I had decided and urged me to share before she did. In front of all of them, Rosalie and Emmett, Alice and Jasper, Carlisle and Esme, and Edward…Oh, I would break his heart and not regret it. After everything we have been through. But, he, my dear Edward has put me through hell and I no longer loved him as much as I was supposed to, and we were supposed to be married. I was done pleasing others and told him. I told Edward that I no longer loved him, I didn't need him, and I wouldn't marry him. His face held so many emotions when I told him. Anger, hate, relief, and weird enough happiness. But then, his face contorted in rage and he tackled me to the ground. This time, it was not James but, he, who bit me. I felt nothing this time, no pain and I didn't wish for death, I was given death, my blood being drawn from my body, feeling nothing felt wonderful. Opening my eyes one last time before drifting off into a dreamless sleep, I saw Edward being ripped away from me. I saw the people I loved standing over me while Carlisle and Rosalie ripped Edward apart. I looked back into the golden eyes that I loved so very much and was content. I drifted off into nothingness, not caring if it never ended. The peace felt good, I felt my mouth twitch up, then blackness._

I was home now, alive and human. But not whole. They left again, they said they would be back soon, but it has been two months and I haven't gotten word. I feel terrible, not having them here. But, I know how to cope well, not with Jake, but something else. I rolled up my left sleeve and inspected it. Looking at the imperfections of being a human. I traced the bumps of the scars I had created, and thought of making new ones to deal with the pain in my chest, constricting my lungs, holding my breath to not feel the burning in my chest.

Grabbing my knife, I played lightly with the thin, breakable skin looking for the perfect place to carve it. Running it lightly in circles, thinking, settling near the middle of my forearm, I pushed and punctured the skin, damaged with the scars of pain. It started when they first left, when Edward left, taking his family with him but leaving them alone. It was time to stop the bleeding, I was immune to the scent now, the sight, the taste, living with vampires, and you get used to it. Wrapping the cut, I got ready for school. Being me, I wore a long sleeved shirt and a jacket, knowing I wouldn't take either off. Charlie left already, so I didn't need to worry about him noticing anything…School went by in a blur and I barely remember coming home and going to sleep. But, I guess I did go to sleep.

When I woke up I saw two golden eyes looking at me worriedly. "Carlisle!" I jumped and hugged him as tightly as a human could. "What are you doing here? Are you back to stay? Please tell me you are! Where is everyone else?" The questions were pouring out of me and he shushed me in a manner quite unlike him. "Bella, it is wonderful to see you. Yes, we are staying as long as possible. The others are home. But, there is something extremely important I have to tell you. It's about-"I stopped him. I looked into his topaz eyes and new it was about Charlie. "Charlie…he- he's gone isn't he?"

Staring into those golden eyes, I knew it was true. My father was dead and I wondered if my mother was next. "Bella, it is about Charlie but, he's not dead. At least we don't think he is. Your father is missing and we know another vampire took him, but we don't recognize the scent and it will be difficult to track them. I'm so sorry Bella, if there was anything I could've done, trust me, I would have. Is there anything you need? Would you like me to get Alice?" Carlisle said this in such a fatherly tone, that I didn't have the heart to tell him to go away.

"Carlisle, can-can you just… Never mind, it's okay. Get Alice please." I couldn't say what I really wanted. That would be wrong, for Esme and the rest of the family. It could have escalated to the point of no return. I wonder if he would've lain with me, comforted me, kissed me and told me he loved me…but, that would never happen. Carlisle looked at me with a strange set of eyes, black, but that could not have been for he just fed. "Of course, Bella. I'll be back soon." With that, he left. I was alone again, in the dark, but this time with no flickering flame keeping me alive.

Sitting there made me realize I needed someone. Someone other than Alice, I needed my best friend, my healer in the time the Cullens first left. Jake, he protected me, saved me from the empty space of depression and despair. I needed him to be with me when Alice couldn't. When the men I loved couldn't. I grabbed the keys to my truck and flew down the stairs. In my truck, so nice and warm and comforting, I never waited to tell Alice where I was going, she would know, because I would disappear from her visions. Going as fast as my truck could, I reached the reservation and Jake's house. I knocked once and Billy answered "Come in." I headed towards Jake's room, "Hey Billy, Jake here?" I knocked on the door, "Yup, he may be sleeping though."

The door flew open and I was engulfed in the heat and strength of Jake's arms. "Jake, I missed you so much." I clung to him like my life depended on it, considering it actually did, I never wanted to let go. He led me outside and we started walking down the beach. "Bella, what's wrong? I've been so worried and I missed you so much. Please, tell me you don't still love him."

I was crying and my answers were barely intelligible, "Jake, Charlie's missing and they don't know where he is and another vampire took him, but they don't recognize them! And after the fight I told Edward my true feelings and we're done. I was never his mate, and I love everyone else and I love you Jake. I couldn't be alone, I was alone again Jake. With Charlie gone, oh Jake, don't leave, never leave!" I was clinging to him again and sobbing.

"Shhhhh, Bella it's okay. I'll never leave you. I love you so much, I can't stand to see you this way, if I find out who-"He was trembling now, he put me down. I wobbled on the uneven ground, and I saw red, so much red…I was clenching the sand. Squeeze, release, squeeze, release, squeeze, release. I didn't realize I fell on the sand, landing on shells that cut my skin. I didn't mind the pain, it felt good, a release, a way out. "Bella! Are you okay? Are you hurt-"He picked me up and my sleeves rode up, revealing the ugly scars, the fresh cuts, and the silvery scar of James' bite. "Oh God, Bella…" He cried and I felt terrible.

"Jake, don't leave. Please, not you too." I cried, I couldn't help it. There was still too much pain, too much to ever go away completely. "Bella, why wou- would you do this? Oh God, why?!" Jake's crying too much, it hurts even more. I hurt him, it's my fault. Everything is my fault… "I'm sorry, Jake. I'm so sorry…" I run, I'm running back to my truck and I'm not stopping.

"Bella! Bella, wait!" It's too late, I'm already driving away, too fast for my dilapidated truck, I'm still crying. Tears cloud my vision, I try wiping them away but new ones replace it. Never again will I be able to hurt someone. No more pain for others, just me… I can't see anything and my truck bounces and swerves on the road. I can't control it… just black. Sweet, lonely black.


	2. Redefined

So, I decided to continue this, mainly because my friend was being pushy and I wanted to make her happy. So there, are you happy? Any who, just leave a review and I'll continue it. I just don't know when I'll update because i have stories that i favor over others. No h8 plz, peplz. *chuckles* I just made so many purposeful spelling and grammar mistakes just then. I'm so funny. *wipes tear from eye* So yea, I'll find you and murder you and nobody will even know if you don't review. Also I forgot to mention, but this may be kind of triggering... So i apologize for those trying to recover, I know I am, but I could be doing better... So R&R and let me get to them feelz... -Sasha

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All I seem to do is settle. That's all I do, I just settle if things don't go my way… I'm just settling for death right now, because I'm too afraid to go and face what is really going to happen if I just lived. I'm looking up at the sky from my place on the forest floor and I take in the beauty. This beauty is something I've never seen before; I've never seen it anywhere because I was too distracted by my life.

I've wanted things before, not just for me but other people too. Charlie watched me become nearly brain dead, Jacob doesn't want me anymore because of what I do, because of _him_. _He_ tried to kill me because I was done with him… Truth is I could always tell he was done with me. I'm human and he never wanted me, he couldn't have anyway.

That's fine though, there's someone else I want. I can't remember his name though. I coughed and tasted blood in my mouth. I'll die slow enough, so maybe someone will find me and tell the… I can't remember their names either. I guess things will be different after I die, those people will leave and forget about me and I'll just be consumed by maggots and other things that feast on the dead.

My truck had long ceased its rumbling and I heard those sounds of nature. I tried to remember someone, something about a wolf… And someone's missing… Did the wolf eat that missing person? I coughed again and continued to think about this. I knew I looked uglier than usual, my hair full of leaves and twigs, my clothes covered in mud and blood, my face… I cringed when I thought of this.

I didn't feel any pain and I thought that was a little strange. _I guess I'm just used to it_… I heard a noise. It sounded far away. I heard it closer and it sounded like a name. I tried to stay quiet but my breathing was ragged and loud… I heard them come closer and the name rang though the woods.

"Bella! Bella wh-, Bella!" I heard them shout and I felt the ground rumbled with the pounding feet. I turned my head towards the noise and tried to shake it. _I don't want any help, let me die…_ I saw a man running towards me. He was big and muscular with tanned skin… I've seen him before, but I can't remember anything about him.

He came closer, still muttering my name. I made a strangled noise and tried to get away from the strange man. I only succeeded in twitching and causing him to worry further. He bent down and picked me up, engulfing my body in his hellish heat. I made the noise again and coughed, spitting up more blood. He began to run and I bounced in his arms, my head and arms flopping uselessly.

I kept coughing and making those noises, but now blood was continuously seeping from my mouth. I knew I was dying. Why couldn't he just let me die? Was he going to use me before I left this world? Or maybe he was really trying to save me… I felt like we've been running forever when I saw white. _Am I dying already?_ The white got closer, but it wasn't glowing or even that bright. We arrived at a house and I just didn't want to go in. Something bad was in there and it was going to save me or kill me.

If I died I would be glad, but if I lived I couldn't bear it and would kill myself anyway… The man kicked the door open and called out names. They sounded far off and distant… People's feet came into view and a muffled scream rang out. I could feel myself really dying and I wanted to go already. These people were going to try to save me and I didn't want that. _Just let me die…_

I felt myself being lowered on something hard, a table would be my best guess and I couldn't understand what they were going to do. I was too far gone. I was so lost in my own mind, these demons chased me and I made more noises. I felt my heart sputter and beat again softly. I heard people talking quickly and I was contemplating on trying to roll off the table and end it faster. These people were annoying me, even in my dying hour they couldn't give me peace.

I groaned and my head flopped off the side of the table. I tried to put more weight near my head so my body would slide off, but cold hands pushed me back onto the table. Gold clouded my vision and I was lost in the sun's rays. The beautiful golden rays of light that seemed to never end. I tried to smile, but more blood filled my mouth and flowed down my muddied face.

Who am I really, to wonder what I wanted in life? Did I ever want to leave this place, where ever I was? Could I have brought myself to leave when someone needed me? But, who needed me so much that I couldn't just leave and disappear? I tried to think of my life and came up with nothing. I tried to feel something deep down about that man from the woods or these golden eyes, but my thoughts died along with my spirit. I tried again to roll off the table.

This time something foreign entered my flesh and I could do nothing but lay there and fade off into the world unknown by the living. I would soon reemerge as one of the guardian angles that would protect the young, innocent children from the harsh reality of the world they live in. I made one last attempt and falling, but my mind was clouded by darkness and I faded away into the limbo that would hold me for an indefinite amount of time.

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I heard those muffled voices again and groaned inwardly. I'm alive and alone. There was no one from my life that would help me because I had no one. I can't even remember who I was, what I looked like… I was lost to this world, another face in a sea of the nameless. I would live on the streets and die out there, when they could've let me die here, peacefully…

I tried to say something coherent. So that they would shut up and let me go jump of a cliff. So I could end my life of nothing and wake in a place of beauty. The voices continued to talk and I couldn't take it anymore. I felt my body surge up and I screamed. I screamed for the life I hated, the one I couldn't remember, the life I tried to end so recently and would hope to succeed. I never had anyone who cared about me and I screamed for that too. I screamed for all the pain people have caused me. People I couldn't remember, people who were just faces of white, their faces breaking down into powder that ran through my fingers…

My eyes opened and I was met by those golden eyes and a stench so unbelievable I gagged and fell to the floor, cracking it when my head collided again the granite. I tried to stand and couldn't. I hit my head on the floor over and over until I felt strong hands wrap around me. These hands were ones that were familiar. Ones that promised of love and protection. I looked into the eyes of the owner and I felt my pupils dilate.

Never before have I ever had this reaction. This, I would have remembered. It was something of great significance and I reached up to touch this face of beauty. This face that was so perfectly sculptured I could do nothing but feel and stare. Those gold eyes framed by gold hair, met mine and I was lost in the ocean of everything I have never had…

A cry broke through the air and I whipped my head around to see who made the noise. Another gold-eyed person made it. Brown hair framed her pretty face, her hand over her mouth and I growled. The owner of the strong hands enveloped me again and growled as well, at the woman who made the noise. I could see fear and sadness clouding her eyes which filled with tears. The woman blinked but the tears did not fall. I was intrigued by this.

I stood and felt air rush pass me in an instant. I looked to my body and was no longer intrigued but fascinated by its utter perfection. I looked at the pale skin, not a flaw to be seen and I looked to the people around me. I saw the same perfection on all of them. _Of course I'm nothing special…_ I couldn't help but still feel inferior to these people. I turned to the one cried and approached her.

I stalked her slowly, almost fruitlessly as if I was to detract from my prey. I grabbed hold of her throat quickly and pushed her to a wall. I looked back at the people around me and no one seemed to make a move in my direction. I turned back to my prey and squeezed her throat harder. Cracks appeared beneath my fingers and I looked closer. I continued to add pressure to her throat and more cracks appeared. So soon had her neck been within my grasp, but now was just powder and her head lay separated from her body.

Another screamed and I looked to them. Another blond with gold eyes, but female. I approached and hissed at her. She clambered back behind a big man with dark brown, curly hair. His arms were crossed and he said with his deep voice, "We didn't mean to frighten you. Bella, relax." I stared at him confused. Was I this _Bella_ person? I turned as I heard this name again.

A short, dark-haired girl approached me, followed by another blond with gold eyes. He had unruly blond hair and he was tall with lean muscles. I kept my attention on the men in the room, but my back was to the man I knew would protect me.

"Do you know who we are?" The girl with dark hair asked me. I shook my head. She frowned and said, "Do you know who _you_ are?" I shook my head again and her frown deepened. I backed away from her reaction; _I've done something wrong again. I always do something wrong…_ I felt my back hit the chest of the man who I trusted and his arms wrapped around my body. I leaned deeper into this embrace and I put my head back on his shoulder.

This man, whoever he was, was my savior. My well- muscled savior. My _tall_, well- muscled savior… His

voice was deep and had a slight accent…

"I must spend time with my mate… Leave us be." He spoke and the people in the room obeyed. I turned to face him as they all left and waited for what was to be told.


End file.
